Merry Christmas

I confess: I cheated. The whole purpose of this blog was to keep our friends and family up to date on our many goings-on, to share the news that's sometimes awkward to share, like our struggles with infertility. But when it came down to it, I had trouble writing down some of the biggest breaking news, like the results of our first pregnancy test...which actually came on December 23rd.

Yup, that's only 11 days after the ZIFT procedure. I had been warned not to take a home pregnancy test, because they're not always accurate that early, and my nurse actually went through emotional hell herself when she was going through IVF and peed on a stick and initially got a negative result -- when in fact she was pregnant.

Somehow I managed to stay calm until the 23rd, and calmly went in for my blood test that morning. Then my dad (who was visiting!) and I went down to Palos Verdes to have lunch with Hana and her parents, which was quite lovely and a perfect distraction. The test results were going to be in that afternoon, around four, so I left my cell phone turned off -- I just couldn't deal with the prospect of answering the phone in front of ANYBODY and getting news of a negative result. I asked that the nurse leave a message instead, which Mark and I could then listen to in private.

But...when I checked my messages... nothing. And Mark tells me the only message he heard, on our home machine, was the nurse saying, "call us." I had asked them to leave me a message with the results, so this was all very vexing. And wouldncha know it, it's after 5pm and no one's picking up at the clinic.

So, nerves drawn tighter than ever, I emailed both my nurses in hopes that someone would get our plea for an answer.

Within the hour.... I had it: we were pregnant.

Cheers! Champagne!

...sort of. It was INFINITELY better news than NOT pregnant. As good a start as we could hope for. Christmas was not the nightmare I thought it might be. But looming in the next two weeks were more blood tests, to a) confirm we're still pregnant and b) make sure my hormones were rising appropriately -- i.e. at least doubling, every three days.

There was nothing to do but hold our breath each time. And with each positive test, each hurdle cleared, we grew more hopeful. In fact, my hormone levels were skyrocketing to the point where Mark seriously began doing some research... and found that my numbers suggested we had twins in the oven. (That doesn't sound right....)

Then, on January 9th, it was the moment of truth: our first ultrasound. At this point, I was (theoretically) six weeks pregnant, so the heartbeat should be visible. Maybe there would be two...or more heartbeats.

But there weren't. There was just the one. But oh man, what a relief it was to see that one, beating away at a healthy 160 beats per minute! Our little peanut:


And this peanut has been busy growing. Growing into a fava bean, at 7 weeks...


...and the craziest of all, into a "big bouncy baby"!!!!


OK, so you can't see it bouncing, but I swear that when the doctor was scoping it out, taking measurements, our little baby moved its arms (yes, arms already!), did a little jig, and flipped over. It wasn't just me, we all saw it and yelped HEY! Hello to you too!

So....that was at 9 weeks. Tomorrow we'll be at a full eleven - almost the end of the first trimester. I'll have the last ultrasound with our fertility doctor next Friday, just after 12 weeks; after that, we'll be with our prenatal care provider... which is a whole other, um, thing. Plus, we got genetic testing coming up (for Down's and other abnormalities) -- all nerve-wracking.

But, for now, we're just thrilled we've made it this far.

FAQ:
When is your due date? September 3rd -- a few days before, haha, Labor Day.
How are you feeling? I feel nauseous on and off throughout the day, but if I can figure out what to eat, I can keep it down. The weirdest thing has been going through a citrus phase, and also now an anti-shrimp, octopus and squid phase. And I loooooooooove shrimp. So weird. Otherwise just sheer exhaustion kicking in at around 6pm, but that's actually already easing up -- I've been getting by lately without full-on naps.
You weren't going to West Coast IVF were you? No. The now-infamous Beverly Hills clinic, behind the recently born LA octuplets, is not where we went. But I do remember seeing that clinic on our list of options last fall. Yikes. I love our doctor. I mean, yes, I love him because he successfully guided us through making it all happen, but I've thought about this, and I truly think that even if we hadn't gotten pregnant this first time -- I think we would have felt we got the best care possible, and made the best decisions possible together with our doctor. Which can be a pretty rare thing to feel. S0, ask us any time you or a friend is looking for fertility treatment or egg-freezing.

'Nuff for now. Dinner's on the table, and I've got to eat for two. Or at least... one and a big bouncing baby.

The Magnificent Seven

Friday was another bizarre, bizarre day. Honestly I don't remember much of it except the beginning...and the end.

The beginning: we learned from our doctor that of the seven eggs that he was able to retrieve, four had been mature, and three were not. So they picked four good-lookin' sperm (out of millions?!) and injected them, one each, into the four matured eggs. Those fertilized -- hoo yeah!

The other three slowpokes, they let mature overnight in the lab. By morning, they were in good enough shape that the embryologist went ahead and picked three more sperm and injected them as well. But by 1pm -- when this conversation was happening -- it was impossible to tell if those would successfully fertilize; all we knew was that they had a good chance, since the other four had 100% fertilization.

Here's a picture of them all, the magnificent seven:(I think they look like cocoa and butter cookies -- with the cocoa part in the middle. Mark thought the whole thing looks like a satellite reconaissance pic, like the one Colin Powell showed the UN: "these are the Al Qaeda bunkers, and these are the trucks carrying new shipments of ammo...")

Once we wrapped our minds around all that, it was time for a decision: how many to put back in?

Seven, of course, seemed like way too many. Maybe we could put in three or four, and freeze the rest for a second round of implantation, if we dont' get pregnant with the others?

But -- the expert opinion was far less optimistic, in a way. I had a history of increasingly high FSH levels, indicating my egg reserve -- and hence quality -- were not so good. It took extra days of injecting the maximum doses of the fertility meds, and we got only four mature eggs. The three "little" ones were already under stress from maturing in a lab, and there was no way of telling if they'd even properly fertilize. They probably wouldn't survive cryopreservation; their best chance of growing was right back in my body. So his recommendation? Put them ALL back.

...And we agreed.

Hopefully, at least one would develop properly, make its way to my uterus, and implant. Maybe two would make it; three or four would be highly unlikely. And even if they made it to the uterus, they wouldn't be "competing" -- the doctor explained that each embryo would send out signals to my body to ask for the fluffiest lining possible, so even if only one actually grew after implanting, it would have the luxury bedding made for the presidential suite, sleeps four. (Or more!)

So we went with it.

The next thing I remember....basically... is Mark tucking me into bed back at home. He stuck around until Hana came over and took over the baby sitting. I slept mostly, but later on she made me some yummy oden (like Japanese chicken soup), which REALLY hit the spot... arigato!

My belly button bled a little when I got out of bed, but otherwise it was all kind of uneventful. I just had three patches like bandaids down my abdomen, no big scars. Apparently all seven eggs went back into my left fallopian tube, no problem. Amazing.

So now it's the waiting game. I've been trying to just take it easy and minute by minute. The only real exertion was when the day after the surgery, I made it to the church for the choir concert. At first I was concert, because my throat had been a little sore (despite the anesthethiologist's repeated assertions that when he put me on the respirator, which was part of the procedure, he would use the "soft" tube he uses for opera singers. God knows what it would have felt like with the REGULAR tubing!) -- and most surprisingly, I found myself very short of breath. I suppose that's also from having been on a respirator, for however short a time. How delicate we are. So that bothered me even more than the tightness in the tummy. But my fellow singers were very supportive -- and the music itself was invigorating, as expected -- and the concert turned into a beautiful, spiritual, energized evening. And I just know it was good and healing.

Mark and I keep talking to the little ones. Now the message is "xiao xin, xiaohai" -- careful, little ones!

Here is the path they will take (courtesy of...I'm not sure, apologies. This image is everywhere.):

We're at "Day 5: 8-cell compacted morula" already. ("Morula" from the Latin "morus," or "mulberry.") Who knew.

Safe journey to all, and happy holidays :)

bright sun, dull roar

And she had seemed so well last week.

Uni took a turn for the worse a few days ago. (I already hate how familiar this all is. Someday soon I would like to write a HAPPY, GOOD NEWS entry on the Spiral Life.)

…I started writing a whole long description of what’s been going on but… sigh. Suffice it to say I’ve consulted three doctors now, one in an emergency room yesterday, and she has pain relief now but tonight it’s clear to me that we have to let her go. Mark is trying to fly back from LA, and I will try to nurse her as best I can until Monday, but Monday afternoon at the latest, we will say good bye.

There, the white noise of my heart breaking.

And still, she is so good and beautiful.

nine lives

There is much speculation as to where the notion that "a cat has nine lives" originated. Some say it was in ancient Egypt; others belive it's China. Interestingly, the Arabic proverb only gives a cat seven lives, while others mostly gives nine, presumably because of the number's mysticism (my favorite number, because who can argue with magic?).

All I know is -- I wish the proverb were true.

It started with a little bit of weight loss. Uni used to be slightly heavier than Sumi, but a few months ago, I noticed they'd switched a bit. But, Sumi always fluffs up over the winter (she's Siberian, most likely) and I didn't think much of it. Then, after being in Japan for three weeks in February/March, I swept Uni up into my arms -- and her lightness shocked me.

Blood tests followed; the vet declared "great news all around," all her organ functions were like a one-year-old's (she's nine) -- except, well, there's a chance there's something hard to detect going on there. We could do an ultrasound, or do another weigh-in in two weeks. I decided to wait.

Eight days later, we went in for the weigh-in. She seemed smaller and weaker every night, and I just knew something was wrong. This time, not only was she lighter, but the doctor thought she might have tachycardia, an unusually fast heartbeat (even for being at the vet). We immediately scheduled an ultrasound with the specialist.

The chest ultrasound was clear. But in the abdomen -- they saw that her kidneys were both atrophied, because of tiny growths spread around her mesenteric lymph nodes.

Most likely, it's cancer, and it's inoperable.

"Most likely" because to biopsy these growths would require invasive and specialized surgery, after which we may have a diagnosis but still no way to remove the little suckers.

So... anyway... there it is. She's taking Prednisone, a steroid that acts like chemo for cats, curbing the growth of the tumors, stimulating her appetite and supporting muscle growth. Funny thing is I'd just written about them for work, in a story about a woman who was taking Prednisone as part of her lupus medication... At least, for Uni, they've made a huge difference in her appetite. As in, now she can eat.

"We'll know more in the next 30 days," the doctor said. And when I mentioned that we might be moving in June -- "June is a long way off."

I used to think about how I'd console our kids when she passed away, 10 years from now. And now we're talking about June? This year?

I picked her out of the litter when the couple who rented me my very first solo apartment in Los Angeles had a cat who'd just given birth.

That also happened to be exactly when my mother was first diagnosed with stomach cancer, 9 years ago.

My... "experience" with Uni now shadows what happened with my mother, in many ways. How small and frails she's become, even while her spirit and beauty remain. How she struggles to eat, and tires in a way she never did before. How she yet provides me more comfort and pure joy.

How precious even the tiniest touch becomes.

The universe has a way of guiding us, encouraging us to grow. I can't help wonder if Uni came into my life to help me through from the time cancer hit my mother to now, a year after her death, when I must begin the *real* process of grieving, which I haven't really done yet. Now, I can do it with my girl, my best feline friend. And already, I know that when our time is up -- whenever that may be, and wherever she may go -- my mother will be there to love her too.

rolling the ball

One of the problems I face every time I think of this blog (which would be several times a day) is that there is SO much to share & write that I don't even know where to start.

But a number of questions seem to be on everybody's minds, so here's an attempt at answering a few:

1. How's your Dad? He's doing as well as could be expected; even better. I'm so proud of him. Funny thing to say about a parent perhaps, but it's true that we're reaching that age when the roles begin to reverse. In any case, he's found comfort in time if not solace from grief. His cooking in particular has vastly improved -- and he wasn't half bad to begin with. There's a quiet confidence stirring in him now which is wonderful to see.

2. Is he moving to the States? Ah, such a simple question, fraught with complications. This is certainly a possibility, but a) I've decided not to make or ask others to make big decisions until at least a year has passed since my mother's death, and b) it's really, really not that easy -- mainly because neither my father nor I have U.S. citizenship (I'm on a Green Card now, and my dad's a Bolivian citizen with a permanent residency permit in Japan). And to get U.S. citizenship (to sponsor my father's immigration) I'd have to give up my Japanese citizenship, which I'm not ready to do (never mind the logistical nightmares involving my assests now in Japan). More on this conundrum later.

3. How's the store? Mark has been spending almost all of his time in LA, with Elliot, researching many a possible storefront. All brokers/owners they've met have been superenthusiastic about the business proposal, and they've come close with several negotiations. But each spot so far has had some dealbreaker, like not enough parking (as determined by strict city regulations based on the usage, size and location of the property. That's about all I can understand). We're coming down to the wire, though, and it's turning into a rollercoaster ride -- which hopefully I can start reporting about in real time. Now they're in negotiations on the best location by far -- won't say where just now so as not to jinx it -- and I just have my fingers crossed. If I didn't know better I'd say we should tape this all for a reality show.

4. When are you moving? Where will you live? Mark is pretty much there, staying with his brother Dave, but only with his computer and a few clothes. So I, the cats, and our worldly possessions will be moving cross-country...probably in mid-June. I have a big RCCNY concert at Carnegie Hall on June 5th, and I'm planning on going back to Tokyo again at the end of June/beginning of July for my mom's 1-year anniversary memorial service, which makes mid-June the most practical time to move. We'll rent a place in LA somewhere near the store, hopefully somewhere on the West Side. Just need to give our CT landlady 2 months' notice -- which means giving notice in less than a month. Yikes. La la la la la la la la...

5. Will you work at the store, or...?? I finally bit the bullet and told my bosses and colleagues about the "possible" move to LA (some denial there still, yes -- what can I say, I'm conflicted). Everyone is supportive across the board, and since our show just got renewed for another season (now airing on TLC, by the way -- millions more viewers like you!), they'd definitely like to keep me writing and editing. Either way it will be great to have that steady income until the store's raking in $$. The big question is whether they'll keep me on as an employee even after I leave New York, or if they'll cut my benefits and have me go freelance (though I'd request a higher salary to compensate). We'll see.

6. How are you? WHERE are you? I'm back now from a 3-week trip in Tokyo, during which I spent more than $80,000 of what was once my mother's money. WHOO! It all went to income taxes, construction fees (we had to convert half our garden into a 3-car lot adjacent to the business rental property -- long story), accountant and property lawyer fees, property deed filing taxes... BOOO!!

7. Are you guys still trying? The short answer is yes, and I've been going to regular acupuncture sessions with a doctor prescribing herbal teas and such too. But really I can't imagine going through more "serious" treatment now and starting up with a new doctor (our company health insurance changed YET AGAIN, and the new provider is practically the only one that my OBGYN of 6 years does NOT take).....only to move and have to explain the whole emotionally charged history all over again to another doctor full of the same damn questions. Probably best not to get pregnant right now anyway, considering all that too. So all in good time. My only regret will be that any baby who finally makes it to my womb will miss out on the weekly rehearsals with RCCNY. I'd been looking forward to that.

I'm sure other questions will come up but it's after midnight now and I'm sinking deeper and deeper in between the flannel sheets. It's time.

birth day

Thirty-five years ago today, at 2:03 pm, my mother... became a mother.

My father took me out to dinner last night, just the two of us, to an Italian restaurant with a view of Tokyo Tower and the traditional summer fireworks over Sumida River.* There, he told me a little bit about that day -- stories I'd forgotten or never knew. Well, we talked about a lot of things, but inevitably my mother's physical absence at the table grew harder and harder to bear, until I found myself able to do nothing but push around a whipped-cream-covered cherry from the birthday cake on my plate, and I finally burst out crying. (My father held it together, bless his heart!) This should have been our day together, the day we became a family, the three of us, and it just wasn't fair she wasn't there.

Actually, it was my dad's birthday on the 20th. And in two days, on the 31st, Mark and I will toast (on the webcam for now) our third wedding anniversary. So July has really shaped up to be the "circle of life" month.

Oh my. I had all sorts of eloquent thoughts about birth and death and life and such, but I've lost it. And obviously there is so so so much more to share, or at least so much going on, that I don't know how to put into words at all. Or how to reach out. How to even begin replying to the kind words that have been sent our way. (This is my official public apology for not writing back yet!) I guess this entry is kind of like breaking the ice. Slowly. I think somehow talking about it is like admitting it's true. And it's just too scary to actually really dwell on that reality for more than a flash at a time.

So for now, I'll return to the thought of this being the anniversary of the day my mother brought me into this world. (Yes Daddy, you get credit too, but you know what I mean.) And I'll reiterate some of what I said to her over and over that last night.

Mama. Arigato ne. Thank you.

I love you.

*Good thing they were yesterday, because today (appropriately) a monstrous thunderstorm has been lighting up the sky since 2pm -- almost nine hours now, and still going strong!

...

...hi.

rage, rage against the dying of the light

i am at the end of the most intense 36 hours of my life. been up since waking up for breakfast on the plane, not knowing whether my mother had passed away while mark & i were somewhere over the pacific ocean. but when we made it to narita airport, and i called, she was still hanging on, and another LONG two hours later, we ran into the hospital, family friends waving us in from the sidewalk. and when i fell on my knees by her bed, she saw me, and gave me the most brilliant, unforgettable smile. but that's not all: she hung on for another 16 hours, defying the doctors' expectations by more than 10 fold -- and under the constant vigil of my father, mark, and two close family friends, spent a whole night and daybreak with me/us until her last labored breath at 8:01am Pacific Time. it was the most torturous and beautiful experience i've ever survived. she is truly a formidable, courageous woman, and i learned more from her in the last three days than i ever imagined possible.

and i know it would never have happened were it not for the powerful prayers from all continents, filling her spirit with the precious extra strength. so thank you, everybody. you know who you are.

thank you.

on a lighter note...

...it was Mark's birthday on Friday! We kicked off the weekend with a smashing dinner (starting with a kumquat mojito, left) at the New Leaf Café, up by the Cloisters in Fort Tryon Park. It's a non-profit restaurant where all the proceeds go to the upkeep of the park. One of my favorite spots in New York, especially for brunch in combination with a concert at the Cloisters. But this evening, we went for the live jazz they have on Thursday nights. Several thunderstorms passed through, but as you can see we had a few dry minutes to walk around, and once it was pouring, the rain just made the rustic restaurant even cozier.

While Mark's grown a sweet tooth since I started baking more often in the suburbs, I still figured the oysters were a better bet for the birthday candle. The kitchen gave us a bonus oyster for the occasion, which made it not a half dozen but a lucky seven!

It was a night -- and weekend -- of mixed emotions though. More on that to come...

first, from tokyo

Updates about my mom. Overall, things have not been very good. A few manageable days, but she is really able to eat so little, and is often in great discomfort. Our primary cancer care doctor, Dr. Hayashi, has assured us that she is not yet to the point of having an ileus, which would be an absolute emergency. But, seeing as attempts to resolve the problem internally have not been working, she will be checking into the hospital next Tuesday (June 26th) to get IV nutrition and to somehow, hopefully, address her blocked/scarred intestines (likely the combined effects of the cancer, her gastrointestinal surgeries, and being on opiates for pain control). I think the length of her stay will depend on the course of treatment. If she ends up undergoing surgery or anything like that, I'll probably fly back; otherwise, I'm still hoping to head there in August.

Really, she should have been checked in earlier, but Tuesday was the earliest bed they had available. Health care issues abound in every country. Meanwhile, dear family friends have visited my mom at home, providing massage and other personal care. One of the oddest, fun therapies is...ironing my mom. It's heat therapy, basically, using a special little iron. She and I both tend to get very cold, so I can imagine how good it must feel! And, wearing these socks apparently is also very comfortable.

My dad took all the pics on this blog. He calls this one the United Colors of Bennetoes...

For the time being, they've put chemotherapy on hold. Yesterday she hardly had the strength to put in her contact lenses, but somehow managed to smile brilliantly like she always does. My dad is sleeping less, it seems, but doing ok. He starts working only part time (Tuesday and Friday mornings) starting mid-July, so that will be good too that he can stay with my mom as needed.

More news to come this week.

city of angels, pt.2

DAY 2

Friday, June 8th. I was supposed to meet Mark at 9am in Santa Monica to look at a property, but there was no way that would happen after the late night. Also woke up groggy with that feeling of having been on antihistamines that ran out (which is exactly what was happening). Still, perked up a bit when Hana crisped up some thin-crust pizza for breakfast before heading out to her office. I spent the morning crafting follow-up/networking emails and such, then headed out into the perpetual LA sun.

The goal was to take a Culver City tour with Lisa (my best friend from high school), then have lunch at Meltdown with Matt, my friend-slash-(full disclosure) ex-boyfriend who’s a writer-slash-editor, then make chocolate chip cookies in time to join Mark at Elliot’s by 5:30pm for the chicken roast-off. Sounds easy. So why did it feel so hectic?

[EM note: wait… I decided after writing DAY 1 that this is far too detailed… so I will try to cut down on facts and focus more on impressions…]

Part of it was insisting on getting GOOD chocolate chips from Surfas, a chef’s gourmet supply store in Culver City. But ccc’s suck when the cc’s suck. Then there was hunting down the secret ingredient to making them crisp: corn syrup (ultimately “borrowed” from Matt and his wife Juliane – thank you!). And, picking up other ingredients at Trader Joe’s, and (recycled material) paper plates from Ralph’s… Ah, how easily one relearns the art of taking left turns through yellow lights, and the constant scanning for parking spots! But in the company of friends, it was all good.

Skipping to the party itself – the only thing I can compare it to, really, is a wedding. It was all family* and close friends (and close friends of close friends), many of whom we don’t get to see more than once a year, and tons of mouthwatering comfort food, and just barely enough time to spread the love. Mark has since regaled me with tales of struggling to cook ten chickens on the grill in time for dinner, but they pulled it off… ok, my mind just wandered off there remembering how YUMMY every juicy morsel of meat was. When the birds and the three-cheese mac’n’cheese** came out, it just turned into a free for all, and any hope of conducting a survey on organic vs. regular, honey-mustard vs. margarita went out the window.

But ultimately, the evening was a smashing success – we got dozens of people excited about the store, and willing to not only spread the word but look into real estate questions, offer business advice, etc. There was heated debate (?) as to what neighborhood needs this store the most (I think we’re leaning heavily toward the Bluestone Market model, not the Firebird Roasting Company) – and downtown has emerged as an up-and-coming contender. Through much of this, I was running around keeping freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the oven and didn’t actually sit down to eat until long after the rush. Note to self: don’t let store turn into a restaurant….

Didn't crawl into bed until about 4:30amET again. But I think the "high" from the evening and most excellent meal blew the cold away.

*At least 10% of the guests (i.e. 3 out of 30) were pregnant; one was my sister-in-law Beth, who was about to pop any minute -- but still made it to the roast-off! The countdown continues....but not for long?!

**Cheeses this time were goat, Comte and cheddar.

P.S. Photo credit for top picture: Hana C. Ogawa.

city of angeles, pt.1

It’s 2am ET, and we just got back from California. (Granted, we were up till at least 4amET for the past few days, so actually it’s “early.”) I had all sorts of grandiose ideas about diligently reporting from the front lines in Los Angeles. But truth be told – every minute there was too precious to spend writing on the computer. So, I’m going to cheat and do it now – as though we are still there. Stay with me.

DAY 1

We got up at a semi-ungodly hour (5:30am, me officially sick with a nasty sore throat) and pushed to get to Newark Airport in time (parked in P6-31, P6-31…) – only to then sit on the tarmac for close to an hour. But, these days airlines pad the estimated travel time so much that we landed at LAX technically only about 15 minutes late.

Still, our clock was ticking on a tight schedule: we were to meet Mark’s friend Elliot at his place by 1:30pm, go up to Santa Monica and check out a market/deli called Bay Cities and have a sandwich, and then split up into two cars – they would continue on to look at possible store fronts for rent, and existing gourmet markets, while I headed down to USC for a conveniently scheduled career seminar at 3pm.

Unfortunately, despite not checking any bags, the whole trip to the rental car agency, etc took as long as these things take, and I ended up scarfing down an avocado, cheese and baguette at Elliot’s before scooting onto the good ol’ 10 freeway. (Apparently I didn’t miss much at Bay Cities except an inexplicable spectacle – Mark says it was mobbed, despite serving mediocre sandwiches.)

I won’t go into the details of the seminar itself, which was fruitful, but I must say it was really… refreshing, to go back onto campus after a good 5 or 6 years. It’s summer vacation now, so the place was pretty empty, which allowed the shadows of my time there to bubble up wherever I looked: the walks down 34th street, the improvised lunches, the hanging out around the Lucas building and the sound stages, and mostly, the loading and unloading of C-stands, ARRIs, camera cases, sandbags, etc etc into the hatchback of my little blue Acura (which I totaled one day on the way to a sound mix) or giant cube trucks – whatever the shoot called for. I also felt young and excited again as I descended into the courtyard where I met and bonded with lifelong friends, and poked around the post production building, where I spent many many afternoons, nights and weekends either editing my own films or earning some tuition by “supervising” the joint. I suppose there’s always a sense of nostalgia when returning to a school or other place that defined you, but this had an unexpected effect – of reminding me how damn fun it is to make movies.

Anyway, after basking in the ticklish feeling of being old and young, wise and naive, jaded and dreamy-eyed all at once, I drove the natsukashii (memory-laden) circuit back to the 10 and up to my dear dear friend Hana’s place. She has been my partner in crime from the early days of film school… and had just gotten engaged last Saturday!!...to, um, some guy named Kyle (lol) I’d met for about five minutes (OK, one evening) about two years ago, when they first started dating. Granted, at the time, I’d immediately had a vision of their wedding, but the engagement was still surreal, considering that other than the fleeting meeting, this man was merely a construction of words Hana had told me over the phone. So it was absolutely the perfect time to be visiting her, and make sure this man actually still existed.

Unfortunately, Kyle had a work engagement that night (so Hana said…), so we headed for an LA girl’s night out to – wehre else? – Koreatown, land of smoky BBQs. (And, ok, soon tofu, but that was not the point this evening.) Normally, I insist on going to Soot Bul Jeep, which provides an authentic and delectable experience over flaming charcoal at the table, but we opted for her favorite new kalbi spot, Chosun Kalbi. And I must say, everything was top notch, from the fast but not overbearing service to the selection and sophistication of the panchan (side dishes)…. Not to mention the star of the show, the short ribs, which were incredibly tender and juicy.

Eating all this “stamina” food, including lots of garlic, gave me a boost of energy to go to downtown Los Angeles to check out Cicada – an art deco restaurant/event space, possibly for Hana’s WEDDING. There, I (think I) had a celebrity sighting: Mary Lynn Rajskub, aka “Chloe” from 24. Ran into her as she was coming out of the bathroom. Anyway, the place was gorgeous: old Hollywood glamour, lush, sexy, elegant, but not over the top. Considering it’s the first place she’s looked at, it seemed a real contender; my only concern is that it might be tough to photograph people in the low light during dinner/dancing. But what do I know…

Alas, at this point, jetlag and the cold (now attacking my sinuses) got the best of me. So we climbed back into the car and swung by a drug store, where I loaded up on a convenient half-and-half pack of daytime/nighttime meds, and some orange juice for the next day.

Meanwhile, across town, Mark and Elliot prepped 10 chickens for the roast-off the next evening (Friday). Six were regular chickens and four organic, half each of which were submerged in a margarita marinade, and the other half in a Dijon-mustard French sauce. When we spoke, he also told me about the highlight of their day: a visit to Le Sanctuaire, a high-end store that caters to chefs. Located in Santa Monica, a prime shopping/residential/beach district, this was actually a potential venue for our store, and apparently it’s perfect – exposed brick, walk-in refrigerator in the back – wouldn’t need any buildout. BUT, there is already an offer pending… and, it only has what’s called an incidental food permit, which allows for cooking/selling things like sandwiches but not much else. Elliot will go to town hall to find out more, but there seems to be little hope. The good news is that properties like this even exist in LA, amidst all the other horrible places they looked at.

Mark was staying at his brother Dave’s last night, while I bonded with Hana at her place (still no signs of Kyle), so we said goodnight – except THEN I found emails from my dad with recordings of the consult at the hospital, so I downloaded three files, listened to all of it, and learned that depending on how my mom does over the next couple of days, she may have to check into the hospital again. So then of course I tracked them down on the iSight, and got a hold of both of them – and thankfully, she was feeling (and looking) better! My dad and I both thought she should at least go back to the doctor on Saturday as scheduled for another scan, but…let’s just say it doesn’t look like she will. Which is good, I guess. This all got me to about 1:30am PT, meaning I’d been up for almost 24 hours, so it was time to finally crash, without reading Hana’s manga (shocking).

OK. Must post this now and sleep. To be continued….

mini-aftermath, etc

Just so you're not left hanging as to what the hell happened after the last post:

1. I realized that my mom called not the hospital, but the at-home care medical group that she's registered with. Sneaky.

2. My mom had multiple visitors, including the nurse practitioner, and by the end of the day she was feeling a little better. She also took more oxycontin, but it hasn't "fixed" everything by far. The NP called the actual hospital but all THREE of her doctors were not around -- my mom says it's conference season or something. We'll have to find out what to do in such cases!

3. I didn't mention last night that she was also feverish and seems to have a cold. So that's probably part of the loss of appetite.

4. My dad got home, went to get watermelons for mom (she was craving the fluid) and also made soup which she managed to put down. This part definitely sounds like a bad cold.*

5. Tomorrow (i.e. tonight on the East Coast) they'll go earlier than usual to the hospital, and the main concern will be to address the rock-hard intestines. I really hope they can address her overall nutrition too.

6. Yes, I did get the expected email from my dad saying I should have called. Also had a heartwrenching description of what it's been like the last few days. I'll leave it at that. I wish I could hug him right now too.

OK. Have to work now. Thought about not coming in, but realized I left my cell phone on my desk and will need it for the LA trip. Sigh.

Thanks for listening.

*The tricky part is that because chemotherapy damages your immune system, we have to take and treat colds very seriously.

long-distance TLC

It’s 1 am and I’m watching my mom on the iSight, trying to sleep off her pain. A little over an hour ago, I called her as I climbed in to bed – hoping to finally catch up, get an update from her trip. I figured she’s been tired and we would just chat on the phone for now. But immediately her voice betrayed her suffering. She told me she’s had the web cam on, hoping I’d show up. So of course I immediately got my laptop and turned it on.

I don’t think she’s been so weak and in so much pain since maybe she was in the hospital. Or maybe it seems worse because I hadn’t seen her in a while and had been hoping (despite some hints from my father) that she’s doing pretty well. Basically, between the cancer and her meds, her digestive system is completely awry, and has now really put pressure on her intestines again, so she’s not only in tremendous pain, she can hardly eat or even drink water. Add to that the fact that she’s at risk of developing hydronephrosis. It’s all “normal” and yet of course not normal at all. She’s supposed to go to the hospital tomorrow for another chemo session and to consult with her doctor, Dr. Hayashi, so figured maybe she could just hang on till then. But he’s repeatedly advised against “hanging on,” and encouraged us to call him or the nurse practitioners with any concerns, so I immediately said she should try and talk to or see him.

Unfortunately, it’s the one day of the week that my dad is teaching all day – otherwise he would have been back by now, and possibly throwing my mom in the car and taking her to the doctor. (He will probably get mad at us both later for not calling him, but of course I would have if it seemed the only (or best) option.) At any rate, I managed to convince my mom to take just another dose of meds, and call the hospital while I stayed online. Which she did – and though Dr. Hayashi is just returning from a trip to the States today, and hence hard to get a hold of, the care center found her nurse practitioner and arranged for her to make a house call this afternoon. Meanwhile, she lay down on the couch, and is now fast asleep. (Oh: spoke too soon. She just leapt off the couch, because a family friend is supposed to stop by at 2:30.)

It kills me at times like this I’m not there myself, even just to stroke her hair. I’m just so so so glad that she got online and that we could make it work, and I could watch while she dozed off. It’s the second late night in a row for me (explanatory post will follow), but definitely worth it. I wish she’d let me hang out all day, and be there for the house call – maybe I can wake up again in an hour and a half?? That’s one sleep cycle, right?

Poor Mark tried to stay up with me but drifted off to sleep, despite the bedside lamp being on and my occasional burst of Japanese (I’m wearing headphones so he didn’t hear the noises and voice from Tokyo). So did my mom, again, until her friend arrived at 3p.

So it’s now after 2am here. The nurse practitioner will be there in less than an hour, so tempted to stay up – but won’t. Hopefully I can actually get to sleep.

tokyo dispatch

When I started this blog, I never thought it would be so hard to begin writing about my parents. (Maybe it's knowing that they'll be reading this too? (Hi there!)) But, much of the impetus was to share information about how they're doing, so I'll just have to bite the bullet. Here goes...

First, a little background information that you may or may not know. My mother was first diagnosed with cancer in 1999. I remember that April, she and my dad were visiting me in Los Angeles, and she almost casually complained of severe stomach pains that kept her up at night. Apparently this had been going on for months, and finally it got to the point where she went to the hospital for a full check-up at the Tokyo Women's Medical University where she was teaching English to medical students. The day of my graduation from USC film school, she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. A week later, she had major surgery -- and stayed in remission for seven years.

Then, about a year and a half ago, she started having problems again. But it had been so long since her first diagnosis, and various tests showed no indication of cancer -- so frankly, we never imaginged it was back. But it was. Is. Our doctors believe it's the same strain of stomach cancer, except now metastasized -- primarily in her peritoneum, or the lining of the abdominal cavity.

She had surgery again last August, and has been on a chemotherapy regimen since then. Aside from the cancer itself, the primary issue is pain control. She suffers from various types of pain, especially after eating; luckily, just a small dosage of medication will alleviate it, but not only does she hate taking pills, they often make her very very tired and unfocused. Lately, she's been trying a new painkiller patch that she just swaps out every three days, and I think she likes it better than oxycontin, which she was taking earlier. But the patch still makes her very drowsy.

Still -- she's often out and about. She teaches part-time every Monday through July; she sings every Sunday morning with a choir (they're preparing for a concert in August); the last two weekends, she's been on trips to the mountain (with her watercolor painting group) and the sea (with her French cooking class). I hardly ever get to see her!*

My dad, meanwhile, has been holding the fort at home, when he's not at school teaching English. Of course, he's worried sick about my mom, and her attempts to convince him to stop worrying have not gone far (particularly as he is the sensitive type). They love each other so much...

I think this is about all I can write right now. But now that the groundwork is there, hopefully I'll be able to post updates more easily.

*By "see," I mean on iSight -- a web cam. A couple of Christmases ago, Mark had the brilliant idea of getting them a camera, so now we have international video conferences on a regular basis. The picture above is from a chat last October. The other picture is a water color painting of kumquats that my mom did.